It's hard to reflect on things sometimes, especially after you thought they were dead and gone.
In cleaning out my favorites, I came across my ex's blog. I label favorites only by one or two letters and usually let the favicons distinguish them. If there's no favicon I have no idea what's what. So I inadvertantly found that she's currently in Europe, taking her trip which she'd been planning for over a year. I don't think it would have affected me really, except that we'd discussed me possibly taking a week off to meet her somewhere on her trip.
It took me a long time to get back to being me again, so thinking all this through isn't much fun. But at the same time, the difference in perspective is astounding. For a long time I'd blamed myself, and there is some blame that belongs there. But at the same time when I look at where I was emotionally, I wasn't capable of being a good boyfriend. I was failing at everything I tried, I was jobless and I was hemhorraging money. And she needed me to be there for her in ways I just couldn't be at that time. And I needed her to be there for me in ways she didn't understand. She was trying but not in the right direction, and I failed to make that clear.
Being back to normal, back to ambitious, back to suceeding, I can see that. It makes me sad to think of the pretenses. It's hard to throw your hands in the air and say "I guess that's life," but that does seem to be the case. At least now I have a greater understanding of what went wrong.
At least I can be content to know that I'm me again.
