Ok, I should first say that I don't own a cell phone because I am a cheap bastard. And that paying through the nose on car insurance on a mustang is more than I like to bear. Imagine watching 40 hours worth of pay leave your hand before it even gets there. And that doesn't even get to the car payment. Youch. So yes, the major factor here is cash. And no, my parents would not pay for my smell phone, no matter how nicely I asked.
Now here's where I wax poetic about why I don't have a cell phone. These are the overstated reasons, however rationalized and exaggerated they are.
Point 1: I blame cell phones for a gross unwinding in interpersonal relations. For example, while waiting in line to overpay my college with a slew of colleagues (slow cashiers), no one said words to anyone in line. Normally when you're in line with non-cell-phone-users, you can at least gripe. Not so anymore. Now you sit there in silence, stewing to yourself, or staring off placidly, while everyone around you has conversations about things they know with people only they know about things only they're in on. Two people in the line even called each other.
Point 2: There is an inherent lack of privacy. Carrying a cell phone is like a flashy bright rotating neon sign that says "PLEASE TALK TO ME. WHENEVER, WHEREVER." Sure, you can ditch a call, but do you? I mean really, do you? Ultimately, the cell phone leads to people calling you for stupid requests and not making it worth answering the phone. How many times have you hung up after a conversation and be like "why did that person just call me?" This is why I'm glad I only have a home phone. The one benefit to home phone users is that the above fact makes people extremely wary to call your home phone. I have noticed this as a certain member of my biology society who calls all the other people all the time has only called me around 4 times. So yes, having a cell phone removes quality control.
Point C: Why can't people just be polite? Why is it that I can be walking down the hall with a person, when her cell phone rings and she picks it up and just talks away and away. Funny how the person so far away is technically the invisible one, and yet, when the person you're with is on the phone, you're the invisible one. Not fun. Rude. This behavior is pervasive, and happens all the time, from regular conversations to lunchtime conversations and for some, even on dates (thankfully, not to me). HANG IT UP DOUCHEBAG.
Point 4: It zaps your gonads with radiation. It drops your sperm count. I mean I like it lots of things that can happen to my gonads, but their being zapped with radiation (even low doses) which drops the ole swimmer count is not my cup o' tea.
Point 5: You don't really need it. Look, I know I'm taking the social parasite route here, but let's play the numbers game. Everyone you know owns a cell phone. I'm the only person you know that doesn't. What does that mean? It means there's a metric FUCKTON of unused minutes on everyone else's plans that I can use. So yeah, I need to tell someone I'm not going to be somewhere? There's someone with a phone.
Point 6: You need it for emergencies, right? SEE ABOVE. Ok, so I'm on a road somewhere with no hope of finding anyone, then I need it, right? Nope. Okay look, people lived years without these things. And someone coming by is probably going to have one. And in some states (may be federal even, I dunno) old cell phones can be used FREE OF CHARGE to call 911.
Point 7: If you want a halfway decent plan, you've got to spend 40 bucks a month. That's the pricepoint for where it makes sense to own one. That's almost 500 bucks a year. I can spend that in a great many of other, cooler ways, thank you very much.
So yeah, that's seven reasons. I know you
need yours, but I don't need one of my own.
